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I can't sleep. Again. My feet are too hot, or I want to switch sides, or my pillow isn't fluffy enough, or I can't sleep. In 5 hours I have to get up for my first day of lectures, but try telling that to my brain. Lying in bed, listening to what could either be the wind rattling my windows, or my flatmate's bed rattling the walls. It's a tough call. Possibly not helped by the pill-induced nap I took this afternoon.

I was coming back from the train station on the bus today, and I was just sitting, reading, minding my own business, when all of a sudden...

...this smell. This delightful pizza smell. My head jerked up and I started sniffing like a bloodhound. It's sad how much food controls my life really, but I was just staring at the girl in front of me like a woman possessed. Possessed by pizza that is.

I shall bypass the pizza in exchange for a healthy supper, a [hopefully] smokin' body for this 21st on Friday, and watching True Blood online. Mmm....vampires.

 

You know that feeling you get when you've just had an enormous meal? Kind of sleepy, kind of lethargic, kind of could-I-please-go-sit-down-and-not-wash-up? I love that feeling. I just had the nicest meal, cooked for me by my flatmate's boyfriend [he does occasionally come in useful] of pork and apple sausages, with black pudding mash and caramelised apples. Yum. 

So I've been having a pretty productive time up in Edinburgh, painting shelves, painting wardrobes, spending lots of money. You know, the works. Especially that money part. So I've been busy, meeting up with people I haven't seen all summer, making lots of lists [I love lists], frantically searching for dresses to wear to all these bloody 21sts I have coming up. It's very satisfying, being busy all the time, because it makes the moments you have when you can just sit in bed that much more rewarding. 

I could never be the sort of person who's content to just sit at home all day and not do anything [ahem to certain people I know], I think I'd go crazy. I always want a project, a hobbie, some kind of activity. I mean, right now, I'm doing up a huge wardrobe, I'm making an embroidery for my friend, and I'm attempting a huge exercise kick. Lazy I ain't. Well, some of the time. I'm sure my mother would beg to differ on that point.

 

FFFFOUND

I'm currently writing this on the train to Edinburgh, and I'm absolutely my-eyeballs-ache shattered. I had one of those nights where you know you have to get up in, say 4 hours, and yet you absolutely cannot fall asleep. I just lay there, looking at the clock every so often, thinking "well that's another hour of sleep I can't get back". Very frustrating. But hey, I'm on the train now, and everything's good after a little nap [although I really wouldn't recommend travelling with weights in your suitcase. Surprisingly heavy, who'd have thought?] and I'm just itching to arrive. I think it's manifesting physically, I feel weirdly itchy.

I went out for a meal last night, and on the drive home my friend and I got onto the subject of worrying. I've been going through a phase in my life when things really seem to be affecting me. I can worry about little things, like whether I'm going to remember the alarm code for work, or whether I've posted that letter off, but then I can also worry about really improbable things, such as when my parents were a bit late back from travelling on the motorway, my mind began wandering to all sorts of horrible scenarios.

Cursed with the imagination that I have, I wasn't content to merely sit and think about that, oh no, but all the repercussions that might follow; how it would affect my studies, how we would cope financially, would I have to stay at home and care gor my family, would I go completely insane with all this worrying.

I think it all links back to the all the crime at the minute. It seems like everytime I open a paper nowadays, someone's been stabbed, or beaten to death, or a child has has a horrible accident. It probably doesn't help that my parents get the Daily Mail at home. Consequently I also feel very passionately about immigration. Or not.

These situations can't be avoided really, which is the part that scares me. We have no way of controlling our environment, or the people around us, and so I feel rather helpless in it all. I can't prevent any of it from happening. My friend has the advice that I should "just not think about it", which is all good and well, but not so easily done as said. And I think a little bit of fear is probably healthy, keeps you on your toes and all that nonsense. I guess the most I can do is try to keep my mind out of the fog [ie ipod] and actually pay attention to what goes on around me. And stop worrying.

I had my last day at work today. And it was...good, I guess. I was simultaneously the worst employee and best boss ever. I bought chocolates and magazines, I let everyone do nothing, and I tried on makeup. All day. So now I have lovely new lipsticks [there's nothing better than a brand new lipstick, all sharp and pointy, right?] and leftover chocolates, which my sister has had to physically take away from me.

Yet I'm in two minds about how I feel. I'm a little bit sad that I'm leaving such a good job behind, where I could pretty much do what I wanted, and not have to answer to anyone, but...look what I have ahead of me! In two days I will be:

• Moved into my breath-taking new flat.
• Reunited with all my clothes [oh, how I have missed you, leggings I have stolen from my sister]
• Seeing Fleet Foxes live with a fabulous blonde.

Who could ask for anything more? Lying on my bed, nails painted in a new navy blue, bubblegum lipstick on, parents shouting me down for dinner. I can't complain, really.

Apparently, I can. My mother just served up some hideous dog food under the name of 'hot pot'. Suddenly very glad for the nutrition of chocolate.

I am as grotty as grotty can be. I went out last night, for a big finale of summer with my friends from home. I [obviously] started off the night very well behaved, declaring that I wasn't going to drink that much, that I'm now practically teetotal.

However. It seems my will power really can't be trusted, and after many cocktails, and one 'fuck it' bottle of wine, I somehow made it back to my house with everyone, and woke up in bed with a guy and a girl. Clothed, at least. With lots of photos of me in pyjamas on my camera.

And with age, comes great responsibility, and terrible hangovers. I've lain in bed today, too lazy to even go to the bathroom too often, and eaten; 3 slices of toast, fried egg on toast, white chocolate, dark chocolate, chocolate yoghurt, a whole round of goats cheese, and a chicken korma toastie. Bread is like heroin to me.

So: darkened room, dressing gown, fuzzy feeling music. Pronto.

i. Hands Of Time - Groove Armada
ii. The Crisis - Ennio Morricone
iii. Elephants - Rachael Yamagata
iv. Love Theme - Angelo Milli
v. Beach Baby - Bon Iver
vi. Glasgow Love Theme - Craig Armstrong
vii. It's Been A Long Day - Rosi Golan
viii. Let Me Sign - Robert Pattinson
ix. Creature Fear - Bon Iver [The Daytrotter Version]
x. I'll Be Your Lover Too - Robert Pattinson

I just spent about half an hour looking at the Le Love website. Sigh. There's nothing to send you into a bout of melancholia like being reminded of what you haven't got.
Still. Onwards and upwards, new term, new start.
I shall go to the ball. Eventually.

In less than a week, I'm [finally] moving into my new flat in Edinburgh, and escaping from my home. Cue random outbursts of grinning at strangers, singing along to the radio, and general happiness. It's not so much that I don't like living with my family [well, just a little bit], it's more than I can't wait for my next big adventure: being a proper adult, with a proper flat, proper bills, and proper responsibilities.

Small things, like having all my bits and pieces in one place, or being able to cook what I want whenever, seem like tiny steps on the road to adulthood, and though these are steps that I have been waiting, or longing for....it is all quite fast. Hurtling at 100mph into that big wide world, becoming responsible for more than just me.

But I'm trying not to think about that distant future, and I am determined to live day to day, revelling in tiny espressos, junk shop finds, tantalising snippets of gossip, the pleasure of a job well done.

So here's a little playlist for when that blend of happiness, excitement and nerves just bursts through and you can't help but grin and do a little dance.

1. When She's Near - The Fiction Family
2. Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung
3. Birdhouse In Your Soul - They Might Be Giants
4. Carby (ft. Ezra Koening) - Discovery
5. Your Easy Lovin' Ain't Pleasin' Nothin - Mayer Hawthorne
6. The Ledge - Fleetwood Mac
7. Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry
8. Toothpaste Kisses - The Maccabees
9. Dream - Alice Smith
10. Magic Girl - Sleepy Rebels